Peace among the trials

Family pics. taken a week after we lost Emily.  Love that Girl!

It has been a long time since I have blogged.  The last time I did I posted about some of my races.  I am still racing and loving it.  These past few months it has been my therapy and helped me keep going.  As hard as running can be sometimes, it has helped me deal with my feelings and find some solace.  It is actually some of the only time I have to be alone and it has helped me learn to focus and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It's a good analogy for life.  Sometimes there are huge hills that seem insurmountable, but if we just keep pushing and trying we can make it.

As many of you all ready know we have had a pretty rough year.  In just a few short days Kirk became very sick and gave me a good scare and we lost our sweet little Emily.  A few months later Kirk was fired because his health was keeping him from working and we were clueless as to what was happening with his body.  We finally went to the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix Arizona and are working with them on treatments to help him regain his health and get back out there running with me.  He is still searching for the right opportunity with a good company that takes care of their own.  

I would be lying if I said I haven't struggled these past few months.  People have commented about how strong I am and how much faith they see in me.  There are days I don't feel strong or faithful, but weak and sometimes angry.  I know that without the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ I would not be standing here today or be able to keep going.  Even though I may waiver and not do all that I know I should, He is always there for me.  

When I have taken the time and made the effort to be close to Him through prayer and reading His words and the words of our modern day prophets, I have found great strength and peace.  Lately I have really struggled to make the time to develop that relationship and my own personal testimony.  I have felt pretty distant from Him and sometimes angry that things haven't changed for our family in some areas.  I realized today that I am only hurting myself by not doing those things that will bring me closer to Him.  I know that when I make the time to really read and ponder the scriptures, I will find greater peace, happiness and even guidance in my life.  No  matter where we are in life, we can always find our way back and have that sweet peace that only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can bring.  There is a great balm that can be found here in His church, The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints.  How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father that loves each of us now matter where we are in this life.  He is always there for us and although at times we may feel forsaken, we never are.  His arms are always open, all we need to do is turn to Him. 

There is a Hillary Weeks song that I really love called "A Beautiful Heartbreak."  It talks about how sometimes we run into mountains and can't find a way around and although it may be a hard climb full of heart break, when we reach the top it's worth the view.  I don't know why our sweet Emily had to go back to our Heavenly Father when she did.  I do know that she was here to teach all of us to be better than we are.  She taught me to love unconditionally, to enjoy everything about life, to laugh hysterically for no reason, to be patient, to have fun and to live in the moment.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces, but then I read something during my scripture study (when I actually do it), I get a note from someone who knew Emily, or I see a picture of her and I am filled with a great peace.  I know she is whole and happy and waiting for us to pass the tests of this earth life.  I will see her again and I am so looking forward to that day when I can hug her tight.  What a great reunion that will be!

I don't know why, but I really felt the need to write all of this down.  I wasn't sure what would come out so I just sat down and started typing.  Maybe it was just for me, so that I could feel the sweet peace of the spirit and see that although I have really been struggling to do the things I need to do I still have a strong testimony.  I know God lives, I know He loves me and what a great blessing this has been.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and Thank You for the love and support you have shown our sweet family.